It’s finally time to get my neighbor Benny.
I’ve hated that guy since our mothers first tried to kill each other, standing there so smug while my mom needed stitches. I’ve spent my life trying to kill, maim, or generally harm that waste of flesh. But now, I have my chance. I may not have the prowess or skill to kill him, but I’ve been relentlessly studying county ordinance for the last year. And Civil Purge is about to begin.
Civil Purge is the one day a year that we are allowed a break from our general state of lawlessness, mob rule, and chaos. Civil Purge is the only day the old laws can be enforced.
Benny messed up when he put up his new outdoor riot-proof safe room within 30 feet of an abutting structure. Now payback is going to come in the form of a civil arrest, and it will be so satisfying to see him taken down. I have my paperwork all in order and am ready to leave my safe house the moment midnight strikes.
The wail of the non-alarm siren calls through the town and people pour out of their homes. Some start jogging, expensive smart phones strapped haphazardly to their arms without concern. Others, like myself, are carrying manila envelopes under their arms, striding down the street with purpose. As I reach the street, I see Benny coming out as well. He has a smug little smile on his face. I can’t wait until he hears what I have to say.
“Benny, contrary to the rules of the Civil Purge, you are in violation of local ordnance 64.86a. I hereby am conducting a citizen’s arrest.” I smile and hold up my manila folder, savoring my final moment of victory.
Benny’s smile gets larger, which wasn’t exactly the response I was looking for. “Civil violations? That’s the best you can do. Well,” Benny pulls out his own manila folder from behind his back. “You are illegally connected to my WiFi, in violation of both the terms of service of the provider and FCC regulations. And that, my friend, is a felony.”
My hands and the useless manila folder drop back to my side.
“And under Civil Purge regulations, a felon can not make a citizen’s arrest. So I think you’re the one who will have to answer to the Civil Purge board.”